Fuck this shit

Just when I thought I had it all together again...

I knew it was too good to be true. Too good. Until somewhere somehow something someone has to come and ruin it all. 

Chain reaction. Or so you say.

But no matter how I try to change my perspective, I can't shake away that feeling. That sense of dread.

Slowly, it starts to eat me up from inside. 

You said nothing will change. 

I can already feel the change.

However small, however negligent, it's there. 

What I'm afraid, is my laughter can never be as unrestrained. 

My smile can never be as genuine.

My joy can never be pure. 

Repercussions. 

What I kept hidden from everyone else, is a deep deep scar. 

A scar that still bear remains of pain buried deep.

A scar that is still a wound, reopened time and time again. 

"The people you would take a bullet for, are usually the ones behind the trigger."

I can't even begin to say how true it is. 

And the ones who slice me up on the inside, happen to be the ones I hold closest to me. 

The ones I let in.

The ones I always break down walls for. 

Perhaps I don't deserve this. 

I don't deserve what seemed to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I don't deserve anything I'm not worth.

I don't deserve anything I didn't work hard for.

Take it all away. 

Strip me down to nothing. 

Known to be strong. 

But what is strong to you? To me?

I smile, I laugh, I go crazy with joy,

but I keep my pain, my sadness, my darkness to myself.

Is that being strong?

Or am I weak for not having the courage to show that side of me. 

Temptation.

To just walk away. To guard myself again.

To remind myself never ever again.

To give up even.

To go back to the past. 

Ignorant days. Those were some of the best times.

Bad apples we were. 

But then again we didn't really give a damn did we?

What if I hadn't stopped myself?

What if I had found that rusty old edge?

The edge that seemed to always find itself at home with the physical remains of pain. 

The same old edge, that felt cold against my skin.

The same old edge I drive fresh crimson with over and over again.

I was that near, just a nudge away, from being driven over the edge again.

Reminder.

Never again. 

But how?