New Motherfucking Chapter

If you read the title, yeah this post is about to get as vulgar as it is. It's time.

Just needed somewhere to pen all these fucking thoughts running through my mind driving me crazy, and today, I saw a light. *cues holy music*

Everything from here on is gonna start today. Again. Fresh start. Again. 

I'm done reminiscing. What's over is over. I'm calling out. I'm moving on.

This whole damn post is just gonna be all about what I think, and it's gonna be a fucking reminder to myself in the future should I ever need it. If you're gonna get offended, get offended. But blame yourself for reading on. I ain't responsible for your actions.

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It'd been one week of a crazy roller coaster ride to hell. People don't see it, but my thoughts were as dark as it can get. I was scared, I was changing, but the thrilling part was, the Jolyn I used to know came back. And it only hit me after so fucking long, that this was who I wanted to be.

Transiting into a new phase in life had never been easy for me. I always became a mess. I started accepting things I don't wanna accept. I started changing to accommodate to that new phase, who I thought I was supposed to be in that phase of life. 

Stepping into the "real life", I need to get a job I like, I need to start planning for the unknown future, I need to be more responsible, more mature, more blablabla. When I finally stopped and think, do I want to be? Hell no. 

I want to carry on being as idealistic as I can be. Fuck being realistic. I am to a certain extent anyway. I don't think I can earn 1 million dollars overnight. I don't think I can get people to recognize me overnight. I don't think I can reach my idealistic goals overnight. So fuck this whole bullshit of "It's time to come back to reality.". Your life suck enough for you to do that, mine isn't. 

While being alone, everything just hits me at one go. Who the fuck am I now? Why am I being so unhappy, wallowing in this fuckhole of self-pity? Why is it that I can't even recognize myself anymore?

Why do I need people to be around? Why do I rely on you so fucking much I look like some bimbo who can't do shit on her own? When in the first place I did everything on my own anyway. Why do I ask you for so much fucking advice when I know what I want? Why the fuck I cared so much about everyone's opinions? Why did I even need to ask a multitude of it just to be sure of my own decision? 

When in the end, I'm gonna be the only person who is gonna be held responsible for how my life turned out.

Why was I so bent on having to make the "right" decision in order to not have any regrets? I regretted a fuck ton of things right now anyway. Why did I keep thinking I have to change for the better now? I did over the years without wanting to anyway. 

When I'm not ok, I'm not ok. I'm impressed that I actually gave so many people the impression that I'm so fucking strong I'm the strongest person they know. Hahahahaha sorry guys, I was just being a prick ass bitch when you think I was being strong. I fuck people upright when they did me no good because I'm born a motherfucking scorpio, not because I'm strong. 

And over thinking things, I keep thinking what the hell is wrong with myself, why am I wallowing in so much self-pity and self-doubt I drown myself in it? 

I am not ok. I am not better than ok. I am not better. And it's ok to not be ok. 

I've had my fair share of hate. Why the hell am I behaving in a certain way just to avoid hate? If you motherfuckers who knew what happened wanna hate me because "Oh she's a bitch", "She's a player", "She's self-centered", "She's domineering".......Guess what? I can finally, fucking finally, be able to say, I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S SHIT. 

I am going to be whatever you're gonna think in your eyes anyway, I'm done pleasing.

When I used to say I don't care, a little part of me always will. Took me that much pain to finally come through, and I honestly don't fucking care about what people think anymore. Not a single cell in my body does.

And news flash: I AM NOT MOTHERFUCKING HURTING. 

I'm done with that shit. I cut people out, I move on. 

So please, stop trying to tap on that emotional soft side anymore. That wasn't me.

I'm done living my life to be who I thought I'm supposed to be. There is no such thing as that.

From today, live my life the way I want it to be. If I crash and burn? That's pretty much the whole point anyway.

Eh guys, remember that rebellious little fucker who didn't agree with what you said and gave you the finger? Remember that fucking bitch who in your opinion dated so many guys she wasn't worth settling down with? Remember that bro you all can depend on to whack you back to life when you're being stupid?

That was me. 

And I'm back bitches. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

31.12.2014

We had absolutely no plans for today so we just headed to town early and decided to walk around for a bit. 

Bought super ex chocolates just because it was going to be the New Year in a few hours. Lol. Okay no I really wanted to try if they were that good so JP got them for me. They really are delicious. 

Went over to Dempsey Hill in the evening to avoid the crowd in town. Thank goodness, we managed to get seats in P.S Cafe for dinner despite not making any reservations. 

The food was pretty good but I think the ambience and the festive mood made everything taste 10x better anyway. 

Took our time to explore Dempsey because…we were going to be stuck there cus we had no idea where to go to spend out countdown. 

Posed for pictures here and got bitten by lots of mozzies :(

And lo and behold, we found this super chio art gallery that was closed but had its light on.

WARNING: Photo vomit of shameless posing 

The "photoshoot" started out serious. 

This turned out nicer than I thought. 

Anyway, in the midst of all the photo - taking, the countdown actually started and that was how we ushered in the new year. Lol. We were actually having loads of fun though. Thank you for always being so retarded in public with me.

2014 had been one hell of an awesome year for me. The best year in my life so far. 

It'll honestly take a lot a lot to top this year. 

Being part of a dance production, I finally got the chance to live out my passion on a bigger stage. I honestly didn't think I would make it this far when I first decided to YOLO and took up dance classes. Another milestone in this journey was created, and I look forward to many more. 

I'd also finally finally finally finished my studies. I still remember all those years in Primary and Secondary School where I would wish I could grow up faster just so I will no longer have to do anymore homework or burn the midnight oil for exams. The day is finally here and as afraid as I still am, I'm pretty sure a whole new world awaits me as I step into society. I'm pretty excited for the adventures that awaits me as I move on to the next chapter in life. 

The most amazing thing that happened this year was that I got to travel to both Taiwan and Japan, 2 of the travel destinations I've always wanted to go to so badly. The memories I had there were definitely irreplaceable, something I will remember for a long long time. I had so much fun, and pretty much everything was an eye-opener. It was also the first time I actually travelled to such a country of such distance without any supervision. I can't really put into words how much these 2 travels meant to me. They're probably the most precious memories I will ever have of us. 

And of course, I turned 21. Officially entering adulthood and seeing so many people who are willing to celebrate this joy with me was…a pleasant surprise. Ever since a certain age, I've always been socially awkward and was never a fan of taking the initiative to make new friends. Although I'm not sure how long my friendship with everyone of you who came will last, but I'm very thankful that at a point in my life, I've had friends like you all. I appreciate the handwritten cards a lot and all your words were so touching I almost cried. Almost. The whole event also showed me how much I mattered to my parents and my sister and I really am grateful they are my family. 

The Tokyo trip, being my birthday trip, also meant a whole lot. It encompassed so much meaning within and I will never ever forget how special you made it for me. 

2014 had been such a special and meaningful year.

It will always hold an important place in my heart. 

X

2014 had been nothing short of amazing, but I'll always believe, my reality in the future will one day, be better.

Things change, people move on.

Chapter Closed.