New Motherfucking Chapter

If you read the title, yeah this post is about to get as vulgar as it is. It's time.

Just needed somewhere to pen all these fucking thoughts running through my mind driving me crazy, and today, I saw a light. *cues holy music*

Everything from here on is gonna start today. Again. Fresh start. Again. 

I'm done reminiscing. What's over is over. I'm calling out. I'm moving on.

This whole damn post is just gonna be all about what I think, and it's gonna be a fucking reminder to myself in the future should I ever need it. If you're gonna get offended, get offended. But blame yourself for reading on. I ain't responsible for your actions.

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It'd been one week of a crazy roller coaster ride to hell. People don't see it, but my thoughts were as dark as it can get. I was scared, I was changing, but the thrilling part was, the Jolyn I used to know came back. And it only hit me after so fucking long, that this was who I wanted to be.

Transiting into a new phase in life had never been easy for me. I always became a mess. I started accepting things I don't wanna accept. I started changing to accommodate to that new phase, who I thought I was supposed to be in that phase of life. 

Stepping into the "real life", I need to get a job I like, I need to start planning for the unknown future, I need to be more responsible, more mature, more blablabla. When I finally stopped and think, do I want to be? Hell no. 

I want to carry on being as idealistic as I can be. Fuck being realistic. I am to a certain extent anyway. I don't think I can earn 1 million dollars overnight. I don't think I can get people to recognize me overnight. I don't think I can reach my idealistic goals overnight. So fuck this whole bullshit of "It's time to come back to reality.". Your life suck enough for you to do that, mine isn't. 

While being alone, everything just hits me at one go. Who the fuck am I now? Why am I being so unhappy, wallowing in this fuckhole of self-pity? Why is it that I can't even recognize myself anymore?

Why do I need people to be around? Why do I rely on you so fucking much I look like some bimbo who can't do shit on her own? When in the first place I did everything on my own anyway. Why do I ask you for so much fucking advice when I know what I want? Why the fuck I cared so much about everyone's opinions? Why did I even need to ask a multitude of it just to be sure of my own decision? 

When in the end, I'm gonna be the only person who is gonna be held responsible for how my life turned out.

Why was I so bent on having to make the "right" decision in order to not have any regrets? I regretted a fuck ton of things right now anyway. Why did I keep thinking I have to change for the better now? I did over the years without wanting to anyway. 

When I'm not ok, I'm not ok. I'm impressed that I actually gave so many people the impression that I'm so fucking strong I'm the strongest person they know. Hahahahaha sorry guys, I was just being a prick ass bitch when you think I was being strong. I fuck people upright when they did me no good because I'm born a motherfucking scorpio, not because I'm strong. 

And over thinking things, I keep thinking what the hell is wrong with myself, why am I wallowing in so much self-pity and self-doubt I drown myself in it? 

I am not ok. I am not better than ok. I am not better. And it's ok to not be ok. 

I've had my fair share of hate. Why the hell am I behaving in a certain way just to avoid hate? If you motherfuckers who knew what happened wanna hate me because "Oh she's a bitch", "She's a player", "She's self-centered", "She's domineering".......Guess what? I can finally, fucking finally, be able to say, I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S SHIT. 

I am going to be whatever you're gonna think in your eyes anyway, I'm done pleasing.

When I used to say I don't care, a little part of me always will. Took me that much pain to finally come through, and I honestly don't fucking care about what people think anymore. Not a single cell in my body does.

And news flash: I AM NOT MOTHERFUCKING HURTING. 

I'm done with that shit. I cut people out, I move on. 

So please, stop trying to tap on that emotional soft side anymore. That wasn't me.

I'm done living my life to be who I thought I'm supposed to be. There is no such thing as that.

From today, live my life the way I want it to be. If I crash and burn? That's pretty much the whole point anyway.

Eh guys, remember that rebellious little fucker who didn't agree with what you said and gave you the finger? Remember that fucking bitch who in your opinion dated so many guys she wasn't worth settling down with? Remember that bro you all can depend on to whack you back to life when you're being stupid?

That was me. 

And I'm back bitches.